When was the last time anger showed up in a conversation for you? Did you welcome it, fight it, or wish it would go away?
For me, my first instinct is usually to wish it would go away. But lately, I’ve started getting curious and asking: What is my anger trying to tell me?
Difficult emotions like anger are messengers. They shine a light on what we need and guide us in how to care for ourselves.
When we’re faced with someone who sees the world differently, understanding our own emotions helps us respond thoughtfully—taking care of ourselves and honoring the other person’s dignity at the same time.
This week is the third in our Challenging Conversations: Connecting When Opinions Differ series. We’re exploring ways to meet tough emotions like anger with self-compassion and how to set healthy boundaries.
Last time, we looked at how to generate compassion for others, especially when their beliefs diverge from ours. If that still feels like a stretch, it might be time to pause and gently explore your own difficult feelings first.
Meeting Difficult Emotions with Self-Compassion
(Based on Kristin Neff’s work)
One way you can explore your difficult feelings is to follow this step-by-step method.
Step 1: Label the Emotions
Begin by naming what you’re feeling. Oftentimes people think they are experiencing one emotion when they may be experiencing several. If anger stands out, look underneath—fear, sadness, or grief may be waiting to be seen.
It may feel silly or obvious to label your emotions, but this process activates the pre-frontal cortex, the thinking & reasoning part of the brain. It helps you create some distance from the emotions and reduce the intensity.
Step 2: Notice Emotions in the Body
Tune into your body and find where you feel the emotion most strongly. Is it tightness in your chest, a clench in your jaw, or butterflies in your stomach? Giving attention to the physical sensations helps make emotions more manageable.
Step 3: Soften–Soothe–Allow
Move through each part in order:
- Soften: Gently relax the area of your body holding the emotion. Take slow, deep breaths, and imagine tension releasing.
- Soothe: Place a hand with care over the spot and quietly offer yourself comforting words—the kind you’d share with a friend.
- Allow: Give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling, without trying to force it away. Instead, ask your emotion what message it holds for you.
You can use these steps each time you encounter difficult emotions—they work best when done in this order, moving from awareness to kindness to acceptance.
For additional practice, check out this guided meditation by Kristin Neff.
Setting Boundaries
Sometimes our difficult emotions signal it’s time for a boundary. Consider the following when dealing with tough news or heated conversations:
- Know your limits. Only engage in political conversations when you are feeling rested & calm. Consider setting a time limit for a discussion.
- Step away if a conversation gets too heated or disrespectful.
- Suggest non-sensitive topics or activities with loved ones who hold opposing views.
- Reduce the time you spend consuming news or reading political social media posts.
This Week’s Challenge
Pick one moment this week when a difficult emotion visits—maybe during a conversation, a news story, or a social media scroll.
Pause and try labeling what you feel, noticing where it sits in your body, and practicing soften–soothe–allow.
What message does the emotion have for you? Do you need to set a boundary?
Leave me a comment and share what you discovered. I’d love to hear from you!
Sneak Peek: Next Week
Next week, we’ll explore how to build hope in the goodness of people when you are feeling discouraged.
Need Support?
Ready for personalized strategies?
Email me at dianna@collierclan.net for a free consultation.
Dianna Collier 