Can you remember a time when you desperately wanted to help — to ease someone’s pain, change a situation, or make things right — but found that you couldn’t?
Maybe it was a loved one going through something hard, or a larger problem in the world that felt too big to touch. That ache, the space between our care and our control, is what we often label helplessness or powerlessness.
Helplessness can stir frustration, guilt, or even shame, especially for those of us who naturally jump into action. But feeling powerless doesn’t mean we’ve failed; it means we’re human.
When we meet our helplessness with understanding rather than judgment, we steady ourselves. We create room to breathe, soothe, and respond with clarity instead of panic.
I was reminded of this truth in a very personal way this past week.
When Parenting Meets Powerlessness
My husband and I had just spent a nice weekend visiting our two daughters at their college when one of my daughters started feeling sick. Our Airbnb rental was over, and with our dog in tow, we couldn’t extend our stay.
After we left, her symptoms worsened — fever, nausea, full-on flu-like misery — and we coached her from afar on finding medical care, handling new insurance at the pharmacy, and choosing gentle foods.
Just as our first daughter’s illness worsened, our other daughter became sick too. In the middle of the night, she called for the first time ever in real distress, frightened by intense stomach symptoms and unsure if she needed the ER.
Every instinct in me wanted to jump in the car, drive back to campus, and do what I used to do when they were at home: drive them to appointments, clean up, pick up medication, and sit nearby to comfort them. Instead, all I could offer were words over the phone.
The feelings of helplessness ran deep. My mind swirled: What if they need more care? What if I’m not doing enough? These moments became a practice ground for self-compassion.
I started using self-compassion breaks when my emotions ran high. I paused with my hands over my heart & said to myself:
- This is really hard. I’m feeling helpless & worried. This situation is frustrating.
- All people experience pain sometimes. Many parents feel this way when their kids are sick. I am not alone. It’s likely there are even parents right now feeling like I do.
- You are doing the best you can. Some things are out of your control. Although it’s hard, your daughters are capable of managing this without you there. They can feel your love from a distance.
I also did a self-care check-in using the SPIRE model of well-being to ask what I needed at this moment. Practically, that meant getting enough sleep, moving my body, eating well, and reaching out to a few trusted mom friends for reassurance and perspective.
Caring for Yourself When You Feel Helpless
You’ve seen how I used a self-compassion break and a SPIRE check-in when my daughters were sick. Here’s how you can try these same practices when you’re feeling helpless.
How to Do a Self-Compassion Break
A self-compassion break is a short pause where you turn toward your pain with kindness instead of criticism. It has three simple steps:
- Notice and name that you are in pain without judgement. You have to be mindful of pain to work with it.
- “This is really hard.”
- “This hurts.”
- “I’m feeling scared and helpless right now.”
- Remind yourself that suffering is part of being human. This step eases the sense of isolation that often comes with helplessness and reconnects you to common humanity.
- “Suffering is a part of life.”
- “All people feel powerless sometimes.”
- “You are not alone. Although the cause of the pain may differ, there are people feeling pain right now.”
- Offer yourself kind words & gestures. If you are struggling to find compassionate words, consider what you would say to a good friend in the same situation.
- “I’m doing the best I can with what I have.”
- “Some things are out of my control, and that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
- “May I give myself the kindness I need right now.”
When you feel helpless, a self-compassion break can calm your nervous system enough to think more clearly, make decisions more wisely, and stay emotionally present—rather than getting swept away by anxiety or shame.
How to Do a SPIRE Check-In
The SPIRE model invites you to look at your well-being from five angles: Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Relational, and Emotional. A quick check-in helps you notice what might support you when things feel out of control.
You can simply ask yourself:
- Spiritual: What would help me feel connected to something larger than this moment—meaning, values, faith, or purpose? (Examples: a few deep breaths, a short prayer, a moment in nature.)
- Physical: What does my body need right now? (Examples: sleep, water, nourishing food, a short walk, stretching, medication, rest.)
- Intellectual: What kind of learning would support me? How can I open to new experiences? (Examples: using curiosity to explore a topic, finding the lessons hidden in everyday moments.)
- Relational: Who can I reach out to for support or connection? How can I cultivate a healthy relationship with myself? (Examples: texting a friend, joining a supportive community or group, practicing self-compassion.)
- Emotional: How can I make space for my feelings and reach towards resilience? (Examples: naming your emotions, journaling, practicing gratitude, doing a fun activity.)
You don’t have to “fix” all five areas. Often, choosing one or two small actions—like going to bed earlier, taking a short walk, or calling a trusted friend—can make a surprising difference in how held and resourced you feel.
This Week’s Challenge
I’d love to hear from you!
What’s one small action you can take to care for yourself when you feel powerless to change a situation?
Leave me a comment and join the conversation!
Need Support With Your Self-Care?
If you’d like personalized strategies on developing self-care, email me at dianna@collierclan.net for a free consultation.
Dianna Collier 