Last weekend, I was talking with my 20‑year‑old daughter about her newly declared psychology major and the way friends often come to her with their hardest feelings.
I remember having the same experience at her age (it’s part of what drew me to study psychology), but I wanted to hear her perspective.
Curious, I asked what she thinks helps people feel safe with her. She described how she talks about her own feelings, even the difficult ones, and focuses on staying calm when someone is really upset.
She said “I let them know I’ll fight for them, but that they also have to fight for themselves.”
It struck me that she wasn’t talking about giving perfect advice. She was describing a way of being—honest about her inner world, and steady when someone else is in distress.
As she talked, I realized she was describing exactly what many of us, as parents, want to be for our young adults: a calm, nonjudgmental, emotionally honest place to land.
When we show up that way, we create a safe space for our teens and college-age kids to bring us more of their real lives—not just the polished parts.
How to Create a Safe Space for Young Adults
Here are some of the ingredients that help create that kind of space:
- Emotional honesty
Letting your young adult see that you have feelings too—disappointment, worry, joy—without making them responsible for fixing them. - Staying calm in their storm
When your teen or college student is in distress, it’s easy to get carried away by their feelings. Remaining grounded and calm (even if you’re worried) helps them feel safer staying with their feelings. - Listening without jumping to solutions
Asking, “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want ideas?” can be a small act that builds huge trust. - Respecting their pace and autonomy
Remembering that our young adult kids are experimenting with independence. Advice lands better when they experience us as allies, not managers.
You don’t have to do all of this perfectly to make a difference. Small shifts in how you show up can quietly signal, “You’re safe with me.”
Simple Practices to Try This Week
Before a conversation:
Take one slow breath and ask yourself: “How do I want to be in this conversation—curious, calm, supportive?”
Notice any anxiety or urgency (“I need to fix this”) and simply name it to yourself.
During a hard moment:
See if you can listen a little longer before responding.
Try asking: “Do you want me to just listen right now, or would it help to hear some ideas?”
Afterward, with yourself:
Instead of replaying what you “should have” said, ask: “What did I do well in that interaction?”
If you’re self-critical, gently respond with: “This is hard, and I’m learning. I care a lot—that matters.”
Caring for Yourself So They Can Thrive
If you read this and think, “I want to be that calm, safe base, but I’m often anxious or exhausted,” you are not alone.
There are evidence-based tools that can help calm strong emotions, ease transition anxiety, and strengthen your own self-care practices. When parents tend to their own wellbeing, they model resilience and steady the family for whatever comes next.
That’s why Jennifer Hanawald and I are hosting a special online workshop designed to help parents of high school & college students move from anxiety to ease.
Anxiety to Ease: Self-Care for College Parents
📅 Friday April 24, 11:30am-12:30pm CST
💻 Interactive, small group online experience via Zoom
✨ Education, exercises, real-life scenarios, and take-home resources
💰 Value pricing: $49—your path to flourishing
👉 For more details & to register
Still have questions? Reach out anytime: dianna@collierclan.net
This Week’s Challenge
I’d love to hear from you!
What’s one small way you might show up as a calmer, safer presence for your young adult this week?
Leave me a comment and join the conversation!
Dianna Collier 