How to Stop Beating Yourself Up

Would you spend time with someone that consistently tells you that you are a failure and lists the ways that you are lacking? I hope not. Unfortunately, that is how many of us talk to ourselves, and we can’t walk away from this relationship. Most people use harsh, critical words with themselves that they would never use with another person. However, we can transform the way we talk to ourselves over time with the practice of self-compassion.

The What & Why of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is treating yourself like a good friend. There are three parts to it. 

1. Mindfulness- Notice that you are in pain without judgement.
2. Common Humanity- Acknowledge that all humans suffer. You are not alone.
3. Kindness- Offer yourself kind words & gestures.

Practicing self-compassion is related to increases in well-being, resilience, physical health and motivation. Research also shows that it is related to better relationships and less burnout. Pretty amazing, huh? Let’s get started!

Here are 3 simple ways to increase your self-compassion

1. Experiment with physical touch to activate a feeling of comfort. 

When we criticize ourselves, our bodies perceive a threat, and activate the fight, flight or freeze response. Soothing touch like a hug can counter this response. Conveniently, we can use our own hands and do not need to rely on others for this benefit. Experiment with these types of touch to see what feels relaxing to you. 

• Place both hands over your heart
• Place one hand on your heart & one on your belly
• Wrap your arms around yourself in a hug and gently rub your arms
• Cradle your face with your hands
• Slowly rub the top of your legs
• Gently tap your chest

This isn’t a complete list of options. Keep exploring until you find something that comforts you.

2. Practice a self-compassion break

Imagine a situation in your life that is causing you mild or moderate stress. Feel the discomfort in your body as you think about the struggle. Next, try practicing the parts of self-compassion.

• Try saying to yourself: “This is a moment of suffering” or “This hurts.” This is mindfulness.
• Now, try saying to yourself: “Suffering is a part of life” or “All people experience pain sometimes.” This is common humanity.
• Offer yourself the gesture of comforting touch that you identified in the previous exercise.
• Next, try saying to yourself: “May I be a good friend to myself” or share specific words of encouragement like “I am here for you.” This is kindness. If you are struggling to find compassionate words, consider what you would say to a good friend in the same situation. 

Once you get comfortable with the structure of the self-compassion break, you can adapt it to any painful situation you encounter. I have used it with clients that are dealing with parenting stress, uncomfortable transitions and setbacks related to their goals. 

3. Prime your environment for self-compassion.

To support the replacement of self-criticism with self-compassion, it is helpful to place reminders around you. To get you started, here are my favorite ways to prime my environment.

• Self-compassion playlist- I created a playlist on Spotify with songs that inspire self-compassion in me & play it when I am having a rough time.
• Poems- I hang favorite poems on my fridge. A favorite poem of mine is Wild Geese by Mary Oliver.
• Quotes- I write quotes on sticky notes & post them around my computer. Here’s a favorite: “Forget the perfect offering. Everything is flawed. It’s the cracks that let the light in.” -Leonard Cohen
• Reminder bracelet- I use braided thread around my wrist for a subtle & inexpensive reminder.
• Photo of myself as a child- I have a picture of myself as a 2yr old hanging on my closet mirror as a reminder to be kind to myself as I look in the mirror.

I will confess that it does take work to change your self-talk, and it is easy to slip up even after you have established a self-compassion practice. As I was working on this blog, my inner mean girl was supercharged. I found myself stuck in indecision about what I wanted to share as I beat myself up for not finishing my blog sooner. Luckily, a wise friend got me back on track after suggesting that I think about a friend or client as I write. Once I envisioned sharing my compassion with my friends and clients, I was able to turn it back to myself (& finish the blog!) 

I’m hoping my vulnerability will encourage you to try these simple practices if they are new to you and to revisit them if you have lapsed in your self-compassion practice. It is possible to improve the quality of your life with self-compassion. Give it a try! 

I’d love to hear what works for you. Leave me a comment below.

If you would like help increasing your self-compassion, send me an email at dianna@collierclan.net to request a free consultation.